What does it take to follow a simple rule?
This evening, my mother's brother and uncle were on their way to our house for a visit. They were stopped at the gate of the subdivision. This was only natural, since the association has a rule that non-residents, who have to car stickers, would not be allowed entry into the village without surrendering their ID, and the guard would have to know where they are going. In some cases, the guard calls the resident's house for confirmation.
Some (okay, most) of my relatives have huge egos, which get even more inflated with alcohol. Unfortunately, they had just come from a party. So in less then a minute my uncle--and his uncle--were making a scene at the village gate, cursing the hapless guard, causing traffic and compelling the president of the homeowners' association to step out of his house.
To top it off, my mom's uncle told the guard in a threatening manner, "Waray-waray ako. 'Pag gumalaw ka, gagalaw din ako." Had this been a line a satirical film, it would have been tongue-in-cheek funny, but alas, this was real life.
Huffing and puffing my semi-drunk relatives arrived at the house. What makes it all worse is that my mom is actually an officer of the homeowners' association, and was active in the implementation of the no-sticker, no-entry policy.
Why can't people just follow rules? Why can't they just let the guard do his fucking inane job, and get on with life? Do they need to get their egos stroked every now and then by guards whose main job is to just look at windshields for the goddam stickers?? What do the guards care if one is the wife of the brother of the resident? For chrissakes, it was the right thing to do. Why are we still living in the dark ages?!
Aaah, men are still animals, after all. Animals with territories to define, defend and protect. Their caves and forest clearings and little holes in the tree trunk.
Animal psychologists have found that animals have what they call a critical distance. It's that area where animal has suddenly crossed the boundary over to an another animal's territory or "personal space". At that point neither is sure whether to stay still, attack or leave.
Same goes for humans. Not just egos, but everything, including love. You know what we usually say in critical moments when we don't know what to do? Fight or flight. They got that from studying birds, which take immediate flight upon sensing an attack. Flight is what most members of the animal kingdom do (except maybe my tito).
Flight. To quote an anthropologist, "it's the basic mechanism for survival." Hmm. Makes sense.
Hay. Millennia after our departure from monkeyland, and we're still like the rest of 'em.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
ABC 123
It's a pity Filipinos are not a thinking people. I hope nobody gets mad at me for saying so. I don't mean to malign my fellowmen. But I've noticed it, especially when I read, hear, watch about other peoples. We're not like the Germans who constantly,incessantly think and build, or the French who constantly create, or Japanese who constantly question.
It's not entirely economic. No, because the workers in Britain and the poorest of the poor in Prague are able to create masterpieces and generate works of genius.
It's language. Filipinos are linguistically unsophisticated.
Language is a very powerful tool. It is essential not only in the expression of thought, but in the very formation of thought. We fail terribly in this department.
I was in the MRT early this morning, and all around me were Pinoys - office workers, businesspeople, students. I wondered, what are they thinking? Are they processing anything at all? Can they? Can we? Can they ascribe proper words to the sensations that make up their experiences? Are they able to translate the jumble of brain activity into something "concrete", like words? Are they able to string these words into something comprehensible and cohesive? Or do these words just swirl like soup in their heads? Are they thinking as they sit there, or do they just...sit there?
Maybe my undergrad professor was right, that we live in--that we are--a somnambulistic society. Zombies. No, not really numb because we don't understand numbness; we have never been the opposite of numb. We're sleepwalkers, trudging aimlessly like sheep.
For a people with "high literacy rates", I think we're pretty stupid. Again, I hope no one gets mad. The problem is that we cannot seem to grasp language, English OR Filipino, much less use use it to our advantage or realize its role in our personal, cognitive development. We are unable to develop our use of both languages. One (English) is hopelessly corrupted, the other (Filipino) has been shelved in the past and ignored. What remains is dull residue, floating somewhere in between, neither here nor there. It has been excruciating listening to some of my classmates (most of them professionals) as they struggle to find the right words just to answer a really simple question. Sorry if I sound elitist, I don't mean to be. But language is very basic, and the fact people in their 30s and 40s with stable jobs and important positions cannot crystallize their thoughts is hard to fathom. Hey. I'm not perfect, either. I'm just as guilty. I've been realizing that I, too, have a considerable degree of inadequacy, language-wise. The same goes for math, which is also a language, as well as its applications in logic, physics and other sciences.
Could my former boss be right, too? That we are churning out a generation of mediocre citizens? People who no longer question, who have no ability to define and describe themselves and their environment, people who are stuck inside their own daily cycles with nary a thought as to why they are where they are.
We whine that we are poor and lacking in opportunities. Maybe so. But getting a job is not the answer. It is not even the beginning.
For how can we begin to move towards development whenmost of us cannot even begin to define development? How can anyone assess and plan for the future of cities when he cannot even describe his city?
There has to be a way out of this. There is an urgent need for some form of intellectual ferment in this country. Otherwise, there is no other way for us but to spiral down to decay and self-destruction.
It's not entirely economic. No, because the workers in Britain and the poorest of the poor in Prague are able to create masterpieces and generate works of genius.
It's language. Filipinos are linguistically unsophisticated.
Language is a very powerful tool. It is essential not only in the expression of thought, but in the very formation of thought. We fail terribly in this department.
I was in the MRT early this morning, and all around me were Pinoys - office workers, businesspeople, students. I wondered, what are they thinking? Are they processing anything at all? Can they? Can we? Can they ascribe proper words to the sensations that make up their experiences? Are they able to translate the jumble of brain activity into something "concrete", like words? Are they able to string these words into something comprehensible and cohesive? Or do these words just swirl like soup in their heads? Are they thinking as they sit there, or do they just...sit there?
Maybe my undergrad professor was right, that we live in--that we are--a somnambulistic society. Zombies. No, not really numb because we don't understand numbness; we have never been the opposite of numb. We're sleepwalkers, trudging aimlessly like sheep.
For a people with "high literacy rates", I think we're pretty stupid. Again, I hope no one gets mad. The problem is that we cannot seem to grasp language, English OR Filipino, much less use use it to our advantage or realize its role in our personal, cognitive development. We are unable to develop our use of both languages. One (English) is hopelessly corrupted, the other (Filipino) has been shelved in the past and ignored. What remains is dull residue, floating somewhere in between, neither here nor there. It has been excruciating listening to some of my classmates (most of them professionals) as they struggle to find the right words just to answer a really simple question. Sorry if I sound elitist, I don't mean to be. But language is very basic, and the fact people in their 30s and 40s with stable jobs and important positions cannot crystallize their thoughts is hard to fathom. Hey. I'm not perfect, either. I'm just as guilty. I've been realizing that I, too, have a considerable degree of inadequacy, language-wise. The same goes for math, which is also a language, as well as its applications in logic, physics and other sciences.
Could my former boss be right, too? That we are churning out a generation of mediocre citizens? People who no longer question, who have no ability to define and describe themselves and their environment, people who are stuck inside their own daily cycles with nary a thought as to why they are where they are.
We whine that we are poor and lacking in opportunities. Maybe so. But getting a job is not the answer. It is not even the beginning.
For how can we begin to move towards development whenmost of us cannot even begin to define development? How can anyone assess and plan for the future of cities when he cannot even describe his city?
There has to be a way out of this. There is an urgent need for some form of intellectual ferment in this country. Otherwise, there is no other way for us but to spiral down to decay and self-destruction.
Friday, February 11, 2005
When I still had my p800 I used to jot down stuff, most of them pointless, hehe. I managed to retrieve some when I changed phones, but now I have nowhere else to put them. This is their orphanage for now, I guess.
***
come on, coax me.
attract me, entice me, convince me that it's going to be alright. tell me that the sun will shine, for both of us.fool me.
l will laugh at your bravery. i will be amused by your noble attempt.
go on. i will believe.
***
i knew what i had to do, since the very beginning. my heart has spoken to me.
but it has spoken many things, just as i know and feel many things. my heart is divided, its oneness challenged by a myriad desires--all true, all noble in honesty, all needing to be fulfilled for the sake of the lone self.
why must the road to peace be so troubled?
ah, but life is perfect. this i know, and all my hearts agree.
and so i dance merrily and sadly to the songs of joy and pain and confusion, knowing well that my spirit will transcend.
***
Movie night
my mind drifts
to you again
and again
within these hours of forgetting
in the dark you persist
in despair i take blame
angered by your trespass
silenced by my shame.
over now
the end begins
all is lostbut chaos
clandestine freedom
and you
only you
in the light i return
outside i breathe you in
and let you fill my head
no use pretendingfrom one dreamworld
to the next
i go
and everywhere
you are there
no happy endings
just you
only you
***
come on, coax me.
attract me, entice me, convince me that it's going to be alright. tell me that the sun will shine, for both of us.fool me.
l will laugh at your bravery. i will be amused by your noble attempt.
go on. i will believe.
***
i knew what i had to do, since the very beginning. my heart has spoken to me.
but it has spoken many things, just as i know and feel many things. my heart is divided, its oneness challenged by a myriad desires--all true, all noble in honesty, all needing to be fulfilled for the sake of the lone self.
why must the road to peace be so troubled?
ah, but life is perfect. this i know, and all my hearts agree.
and so i dance merrily and sadly to the songs of joy and pain and confusion, knowing well that my spirit will transcend.
***
Movie night
my mind drifts
to you again
and again
within these hours of forgetting
in the dark you persist
in despair i take blame
angered by your trespass
silenced by my shame.
over now
the end begins
all is lostbut chaos
clandestine freedom
and you
only you
in the light i return
outside i breathe you in
and let you fill my head
no use pretendingfrom one dreamworld
to the next
i go
and everywhere
you are there
no happy endings
just you
only you
Friday, February 04, 2005
LILIES
Been traipsing around cyberspace for the past two hours, visiting blogs of people I know and people I don't know and don't care about. Lazy day.
***
Sometimes I think I'm a fraud. I have this nagging feeling that I am not the person that everyone makes me out to be. And I mean EVERYONE, including my parents. I'm afraid they give me too much credit (but then again sometimes I think they give me too little. Labo mehn.)
I am an image. A vision of something, someone. A picture that floats out of the canvas, and you think, hey that's a waterlily, but when you look closer it's just thousands of little, individual strokes, and there's really no waterlily. Kind of like an impressionist painting. Funny, because I love Monet (especially his waterlily series).
People see me as this strong, positive character, and I don't blame them. Maybe I do come out that way, for one reason or another.
But they don't know the storms raging inside me. They don't know the battles I constantly wage with myself. Yes, they know my fears, because they are a reflection of their own, but no one knows where my fears are coming from.
And I am very afraid. And very weak. And no amount of reassurance or kindness or even tough love can change that at this point.
***
Sometimes I think I'm a fraud. I have this nagging feeling that I am not the person that everyone makes me out to be. And I mean EVERYONE, including my parents. I'm afraid they give me too much credit (but then again sometimes I think they give me too little. Labo mehn.)
I am an image. A vision of something, someone. A picture that floats out of the canvas, and you think, hey that's a waterlily, but when you look closer it's just thousands of little, individual strokes, and there's really no waterlily. Kind of like an impressionist painting. Funny, because I love Monet (especially his waterlily series).
People see me as this strong, positive character, and I don't blame them. Maybe I do come out that way, for one reason or another.
But they don't know the storms raging inside me. They don't know the battles I constantly wage with myself. Yes, they know my fears, because they are a reflection of their own, but no one knows where my fears are coming from.
And I am very afraid. And very weak. And no amount of reassurance or kindness or even tough love can change that at this point.
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